I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
