even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
