I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
