I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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