Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
