I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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