my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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