Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
