One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
