I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
