Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
