just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
