Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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