I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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