you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
