I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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