im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
