buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
