you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
