I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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