So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
God I need to hump something, right now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
