He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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