Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
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