So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
