My room smells like vodka and shame
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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