I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
