Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
