i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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