my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
