I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
