Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
