im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
