He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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