god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
