Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
