did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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