My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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