I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
