I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
