my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
