If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
