bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
