if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
