My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
