Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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