I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
