I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
