how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Vodka?
Forever.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
