I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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