her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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