I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
